Marrying His Mistress
The joyous day has arrived! The husband has married his mistress. Yes, the young blonde who he had been having an affair with, that he lied to his wife and children about and who pushed him to get a divorce as fast as possible were now husband and wife – technically.
No matter how much they lied to friends and family and tried to leave out the insidious details of what transpired in their history and what exactly they both had wrought they were still a man who was once upon a time married and cheated on his wife with this individual. It wasn’t exactly a fairy tale romance no matter how they tried to paint it
It’s amazing the level of hypocrisy that must of been hanging over the wedding ceremony. It’s hard to believe on this planet, in this time, fellow human beings would behave in such selfish, immoral ways. It must be a real talent to be standing there in front of rows of guests, having a priest ask them the old sacred marriage vows and both this bride and groom could fabricate sincerity at what the sanctity and importance of marriage and these lifelong promises meant to them. Meanwhile, just over a year earlier they were sneaking in and out of hotel rooms with each other and the husband was trying his damdest to come up with believable excuses as to why he’d be coming home real late that night to his wife and two sons.
No matter how much sparkle and decor they could sprinkle on the festivities it was all just a glossy, trashy lie. What’s the old expression – you can’t put lipstick on a pig. Well, I imagine this wedding was a bacon-fest! Fortunately, his two sons got to avoid being in attendance and weren’t forced to be part of the sham.
I was talking with someone recently and they were trying to determine the success rate of marriages that began as affairs. The usual goto number of a first marriage success is 50% by the media. But she felt this was too low a number and not accurate, so in fairness she raised that percentage to 60%. She wanted to have more optimism with first-time marriages and give them more of a fighting chance.
She then sliced that number in half to 30% for second marriages. And then cut it again down to 15% for ‘affair marriages’ that will last to the ‘death do us part’ bit.
She theorized this particular marriage – one that has started as an affair marriage between a man in his forties going through a wacked out mid-life crisis and a young blonde who suddenly got the inclination to play house and has been able to play this man like a puppet manipulating every aspect and relationship in his life – might have a lower percentage than 15%. “Yeah”, she said, “I don’t see very promising odds between those two.”
This was just a casual conversation, but it got me curious to look further and to see if there were actually any real studies done about the success rate of marriages that began when one or both individuals marries their affair partner and this couple’s relationship had already destroyed a family and a previous relationship ended because of their behavior.
And I know there are exceptions to the rule. I’m sure there are happily married folks who were affair partners out there. That they live with what they did and did beat the odds and have stayed together. They actually managed to overcome the old saying, “you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s unhappiness”. Well, good for them. But it’s looking like they are the real minority in this category.
Really, I didn’t find much hard info. The first question to overcome is whether a married individual who’s engaged in an affair will actually leave their spouse for their partner in adultery. Most apparently do not.
The idea of having a future with each other is a major catalyst during the affair. That becomes a driving force with all the sneaking around they do with each other. There are visions that one day they won’t have to be hiding in dimly lit parking lots and there’s a brighter and more promising relationship laying ahead.
Despite the promises of leaving their marriage for this other person, it doesn’t happen very often. I picture most affairs end in hotel rooms or in cars with a bunch of drama being exchanged before the curtain falls on the story of these two heels.
The stats I’ve read (and again this is in no way hard or well thought research, just quick internet searching) is that it’s estimated between 1%-10% leave their marriages for their affair partner and end up marrying them.
Ok, so you got your lying once-married partner to be your new spouse. Gee, you won the lottery huh? So how good are your odds now? I’ve read over 75% who marry their affair partners will eventually divorce. That’s a pretty frightening number.
They fall under the illusion that they’ll beat the odds. Everyone thinks they have something special. That they are unique. That they are meant to be. This is all those powerful mind games their heads play on them to rationalize their behavior, justify their emotions and that easily trumps all the devastation that they’re causing.
But reality has a way of creeping in. There are powerful forces that begin to put pressure on this idealized relationship they concocted in their heads. Divorces are expensive, so new financial burdens erupt. You left your spouse and possibly kids for this individual that you are now married to. That raises the stakes as to what one might expect and what they think their life should be now.
I mean, the trade-off better be worth it. Life is not all moonlight dances and passionate lovemaking taking place all day. That mirage will quickly start to dissipate. When the daily humdrum, monotonous activities and chores star to occur that might be a cold splash of reality in their faces and leave them thinking, “I gave up everything I had, have turned my life upside down, am hated by most everyone I know just to be sitting here in the evening to help pay her bills and watch her work on her laptop?”
And the one who is now with this once-married individual, who had to been formulate Mission Impossible-type plans just in order to sneak away for secret rendezvous with their affair partner. Who had been telling blatant lies to their spouse and family, the person they ‘loved and married’ long before their affair partner came into the picture – how can they possibly ever fully trust them again?
Isn’t that a major red flag to someone that you’re due to marry? The affair partner really thinks that they’re more special than the cheated on spouse? That they are in some kind of privileged position and know the cheater better than their actual spouse? That even despite that their marriage consisted of a thirteen-year-long relationship, having children that the affair partner knows them better than all of that and they share a special connection between each other, That they’re NOT being told the same things the married cheater had told his spouse long before their affair was even a blip on the radar? Wow, that’s really burying your head in the sand!!!
How could you ever possibly trust them completely? Oh yeah, we have that mirage thing happening in their heads that’s helping to cloud any rational thinking with them. Nevermind.
And let’s not forget the dreaded scarlet letter that you get branded with by society for committing adultery and leaving your family for your affair partner. That’s a powerful one!
And if anyone thinks that doesn’t exist they’re in for a rude awakening. I was hesitant to believe it, thinking that’s from a culture long ago and people wouldn’t be so quick to judge others like that, but man they do!
I can’t wait to describe when this cheating husband took his affair partner to his sons football games as if it was completely normal and the chilly reception they got from all the parents and family’s who could see what exactly he did and was doing. Ooof! Talk about an awkward and uncomfortable situation. Those two were better off holed up in darkened, far removed hotel rooms.
Then lastly there’s guilt. If they have any decency left in themselves the feelings of guilt and being haunted by what they actually did will gnaw away at them. If they’re lucky they’re shallow, callous people. You know, the type of people who can put others feelings completely out of their mind. They’re the folks who just roll through their lives with the attitude – ‘Hey, this is my world and everyone else just lives in it’. Luckily it looks like this particular couple is a pair of those types, so guilt is not penetrating their souls.
So, it doesn’t look like there’s great probability that an affair marriage will end with great contentment and walking off into the sunset together. There’s a lot more hurdles to clear than just telling your cheated-on spouse you’re leaving them for your affair partner and hiring a lawyer. Yeah, there’s much more complications laying ahead.
But getting back to this particular cheating couple that I began with, you might think that once married they would feel they triumphant. That they were done tormenting his now ex-wife and his two young sons. That they now could spend all their energy and focus on each other and that they would attempt to have amicable relationship with his ex-wife and children. Or at the very least a polite one. Now all the drama was finally over for the ex-wife and the two sons.
Oh boy, are you wrong about that! So very wrong! I wonder if that was another one of the vows the cheating husband and his mistress exchanged and a promise they felt compelled to keep.