Marrying His Mistress

Marrying your affair partner card cheater paramour

The joyous day has arrived! The husband has married his mistress. Yes, the young blonde who he had been having an affair with, that he lied to his wife and children about and who pushed him to get a divorce as fast as possible were now husband and wife – technically.

No matter how much they lied to friends and family and tried to leave out the insidious details of what transpired in their history and what exactly they both had wrought they were still a man who was once upon a time married and cheated on his wife with this individual. It wasn’t exactly a fairy tale romance no matter how they tried to paint it

It’s amazing the level of hypocrisy that must of been hanging over the wedding ceremony. It’s hard to believe on this planet, in this time, fellow human beings would behave in such selfish, immoral ways. It must be a real talent to be standing there in front of rows of guests, having a priest ask them the old sacred marriage vows and both this bride and groom could fabricate sincerity at what the sanctity and importance of marriage and these lifelong promises meant to them.

Meanwhile, just over a year earlier they were sneaking in and out of hotel rooms with each other (recounted in the previous ‘A CHEATERS BEHAVIOR’ post) and the husband was trying his damdest to come up with believable excuses as to why he’d be coming home late nightly to his wife and two sons.

No matter how much sparkle and decor they could sprinkle on the festivities it was all just a glossy, trashy lie. What’s the old expression – you can’t put lipstick on a pig. Well, I imagine this wedding was a bacon-fest! Fortunately, his two sons got to avoid being in attendance and weren’t forced to be part of the sham.

I was talking with someone recently and they were trying to determine the success rate of marriages that began as affairs. The usual goto number of a first marriage success is 50% by the media. But she felt this was too low a number and not accurate, so in fairness she raised that percentage to 60%. She wanted to have more optimism with first-time marriages and give them more of a fighting chance.

marrying affair partner divorce statistics

She then sliced that number in half to 30% for second marriages. And then cut it again down to 15% for ‘affair marriages’ that will last to the ‘death do us part’ bit.

She theorized this particular marriage – one that has started as an affair marriage between a man in his forties going through a wacked out mid-life crisis and a young blonde who suddenly got the inclination to play house and has been able to play this man like a puppet manipulating every aspect and relationship in his life – might have a lower percentage than 15%. “Yeah”, she said, “I don’t see very promising odds between those two.”

This was just a casual conversation, but it got me curious to look further and to see if there were actually any real studies done about the success rate of marriages that began when one or both individuals marries their affair partner and this couple’s relationship had already destroyed a family and a previous relationship ended because of their behavior.

And I know there are exceptions to the rule. I’m sure there are happily married folks who were affair partners out there. That they live with what they did and did beat the odds and have stayed together. They actually managed to overcome the old saying, “you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s unhappiness”. Well, good for them. But it’s looking like they are the real minority in this category.

Really, I didn’t find much hard info. The first question to overcome is whether a married individual who’s engaged in an affair will actually leave their spouse for their partner in adultery. Most apparently do not.

The idea of having a future with each other is a major catalyst during the affair. That becomes a driving force with all the sneaking around they do with each other. There are visions that one day they won’t have to be hiding in dimly lit parking lots and there’s a brighter and more promising relationship laying ahead.

Despite the promises of leaving their marriage for this other person, it doesn’t happen very often. I picture most affairs end in hotel rooms or in cars with a bunch of drama being exchanged before the curtain falls on the story of these two heels.

The stats I’ve read (and again this is in no way hard or well thought research, just quick internet searching) is that it’s estimated between 1%-10% leave their marriages for their affair partner and end up marrying them.

Ok, so you got your lying once-married partner to be your new spouse. Gee, you won the lottery huh? So how good are your odds now? I’ve read over 75% who marry their affair partners will eventually divorce. That’s a pretty frightening number.

They fall under the illusion that they’ll beat the odds. Everyone thinks they have something special. That they are unique. That they are meant to be. This is all those powerful mind games their heads play on them to rationalize their behavior, justify their emotions and that easily trumps all the devastation that they’re causing.

But reality has a way of creeping in. There are powerful forces that begin to put pressure on this idealized relationship they concocted in their heads. Divorces are expensive, so new financial burdens erupt. You left your spouse and possibly kids for this individual that you are now married to. That raises the stakes as to what one might expect and what they think their life should be now.

grass is greener cheating husband

I mean, the trade-off better be worth it. Life is not all moonlight dances and passionate lovemaking taking place all day. That mirage will quickly start to dissipate. When the daily humdrum, monotonous activities and chores star to occur that might be a cold splash of reality in their faces and leave them thinking, “I gave up everything I had, have turned my life upside down, am hated by most everyone I know just to be sitting here in the evening to help pay her bills and watch her work on her laptop?”

And the one who is now with this once-married individual, who had to been formulate Mission Impossible-type plans just in order to sneak away for secret rendezvous with their affair partner. Who had been telling blatant lies to their spouse and family, the person they ‘loved and married’ long before their affair partner came into the picture – how can they possibly ever fully trust them again?

Isn’t that a major red flag to someone that you’re due to marry? Does the affair partner really think that they’re more special than the cheated on spouse? That they are in some kind of privileged position and know the cheater better than their actual spouse did? That despite a marriage consisting of a thirteen-year-long relationship and two children together, that the affair partner knows them better than all of that history and they share a special connection between each other? That they’re NOT being told the same things the married cheater had told his spouse long before their affair was even a blip on the radar? Wow, that’s really burying your head in the sand!!!

How could you ever possibly trust them completely? Oh yeah, we have that mirage thing happening in their heads that’s helping to cloud any rational thinking with them. Nevermind.

And let’s not forget the dreaded scarlet letter that you get branded with by society for committing adultery and leaving your family for your affair partner. That’s a powerful one!

stressed motto

And if anyone thinks that doesn’t exist they’re in for a rude awakening. I was hesitant to believe it, thinking that’s from a culture long ago and people wouldn’t be so quick to judge others like that, but man they do!

I can’t wait to describe when this cheating husband took his affair partner to his sons football games as if it was completely normal and the chilly reception they got from all the parents and family’s who could see what exactly he did and was doing. Ooof! Talk about an awkward and uncomfortable situation. Those two were better off holed up in darkened, far removed hotel rooms.

Then lastly there’s guilt. If they have any decency left in themselves the feelings of guilt and being haunted by what they actually did will gnaw away at them. If they’re lucky they’re shallow, callous people. You know, the type of people who can put others feelings completely out of their mind. They’re the folks who just roll through their lives with the attitude – ‘Hey, this is my world and everyone else just lives in it’. Luckily it looks like this particular couple is a pair of those types, so guilt is not penetrating their souls.

So, it doesn’t look like there’s great probability that an affair marriage will end with great contentment and walking off into the sunset together. There’s a lot more hurdles to clear than just telling your cheated-on spouse you’re leaving them for your affair partner and hiring a lawyer. Yeah, there’s much more complications laying ahead.

But getting back to this particular cheating couple that I began with, you might think that once married they would feel they triumphant. That they were done tormenting his now ex-wife and his two young sons. That they now could spend all their energy and focus on each other and that they would attempt to have amicable relationship with his ex-wife and children. Or at the very least a polite one. Now all the drama was finally over for the ex-wife and the two sons.

Oh boy, are you wrong about that! So very wrong! As you will see in the followup post ‘THE CHEATER BEGINS HIS NEW LIFE WITH HIS MISTRESS‘.

I wonder if that was another one of the vows the cheating husband and his mistress exchanged they felt compelled to keep – a promise with one another to inflict further pain and distress on his now ex-wife and the children.

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35 Responses

  1. Sarah says:

    I agree the mistress will never trust her Prince.she married him not knowing they always ask their wives to take them back before they say I do.once the ex turns them down then they marry the mistress. the wife usually doesn’t take them back.

  2. Selina says:

    I agree the mistress will never trust her Prince.she married him not knowing they always ask their wives to take them back before they say I do.once the ex turns them down then they marry the mistress. the wife usually doesn’t take them back.

  3. Frank says:

    I am sitting ringside to my two best friends’ (once married for 30 years) version of this tale. He left her for the blonde, 20 years younger, who was “more ambitious” and “understands me better”. Ugh. I have lost all respect for this man I’ve known for 35 years! They were engaged 5 mos. after the divorce was final – the family he left behind is still shell-shocked and he’s acting like he just happened to start dating this woman since the divorce. Yeah, we are all stupid. And they are “special” and “soul mates” and met at “just the right time in our lives” – as told to me by him. Once the pixie-dust settles, I expect the inevitable divorce.

  4. Anonymous says:

    In my instance the cheating spouse did leave me and marry the mistress. The 6 month pregnant mistress that he had hidden away from his family and friends and co- workers, since she worked for him. His son wants nothing to do with the new baby, doesn’t even want to go spend every other weekend with him. His family doesn’t accept her. I mean they let her in the house but that’s about it. And did I mention that the entire time he was with her he was still sleeping with me? I allowed it to happen bc I thought he was having second thoughts about the divorce. I didn’t know he had been cheating or to what extent. She moved in with him. We still slept together. They got engaged. We still slept together. They got married. We still slept together. They had their baby. We still slept together. Yeah I know….. I should have told him to F off, but he still felt like my husband. We had kids. I was sad and lonely and an emotional mess so sometimes it “just happened”. My point is he cheated on her the entire first year of their relationship. And right now they’ve been together 13 months so you do the math. He was faithful to me for ten years before his “mid life crisis”, he had cheated on her WITH ME since day 1. What’s is she thinking. Oh – and did I mention he refuses to wear a wedding ring now? He always wore one with me……. like the old adage says – “I’d rather want something I don’t have than have something I don’t want……”

  5. Anonymous says:

    My stoy is similar

  6. Anonymous says:

    My husbanf of25 years openly declared his love for his mistress made her his wife but still would keep coming back to me and our 4 kids. I let him in shared a bed with him . But i felt i was the mistress because we had no connection other then sex . I know he liked the sex with me and thats all i was for him and he admiitted it.i couldnt say no to him but i could keep living like that so after 35 years Eventually i left with the kids. .but i srill love him when i know he now loves the women who waa his mistress

  7. Anonymous says:

    My stoy is similar My husbanf of25 years openly declared his love for his mistress made her his wife but still would keep coming back to me and our 4 kids. I let him in shared a bed with him . But i felt i was the mistress because we had no connection other then sex . I know he liked the sex with me and thats all i was for him and he admiitted it.i couldnt say no to him but i could keep living like that so after 35 years Eventually i left with the kids. .but i srill love him when i know he now loves the women who waa his mistress

  8. not a jerk says:

    I know a 25 yr old woman who left her 30 yr old husband and two daughters aged 3 and 1 for a man 14 yrs older than her who was also married. The adulterers left their marriages and married each other. They now have a 1 yr old daughter together. What are the odds of the adulterers marriage working out??

  9. Paula says:

    I was on the other end married to a man I wanted to get help after years of verbal abuse and at times being shoved or smacked in my face. I was done with the marriage. He was told to get help and take medication because I no longer would deal with the behaviors nor would I allow my children to do so. 20 years together and I put up with a lot of crap to find out princess charming had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So he will marry his mistress this year. All I can say is honey thank you for having no morals and finding your Prince Charming I wish you as much happiness as he gave my children and I. My recommendation would be to put your running shoes on and run like hell. With in a monster it taught me many things I will never put up with what I did again. I survived divorce as he and she took my personal items and hid money in her account. I was not blind I just was done. He will always be a cheater, liar, and an abuser. But out of something bad and me paying my time to try and make a marriage work that I was blamed for everything I found happiness and peace. My children will survive a parent with NPD because their mother did but sad to say young mistress I feel sorry for you and my heart truly breaks as I know what the devil has in store for you and I wish you the best sending my condolences to you for being so young and not truly knowing the mirage he sucked you into as my daughter knew first about the affair and her dad sneaking over to your place as he left a 10 year old to watch a 5 year old. Be careful what you wish for some dreams are disguised as night mares best wishes waking up as you are told it’s not real and it’s all in your head.

  10. linda g says:

    my partner of 6 years left me to live with his fat misstress ,he came back and forth as he was getting fed up of her ,like a fool I took him back I was fed up of his lies the mistress blamed me for every thing saying I was a bad wife to him ,I finally told him to f off now he lives with her again only cos he can’t come back here I have finally moved on from all the lies and tears I bet I’m far happier than she is. .

  11. Donna says:

    I was the mistress and now I’m the wife. A lot of bitterness posted here, but the situation was like this; he was married for 37 years and his wife was done having sex with him, done spending time with him. She would sit in front of the t.v. for hours and go to bed at 8pm, while he was full of energy and still wanted to travel and experience things. We met at work and became friends first. We started out just doing things together, we did not become sexual until almost a year later. We were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company and conversation. He was never in love with his wife. She got pregnant to trap him and he married her out of obligation. They started seeing a marriage counselor 2 years into their marriage because they were fighting all the time, but because they both came from strict, old fashioned families, they decided to stay together for the sake of the kids, even though they were not particularly fulfilled with the marriage, they threw themselves into their work and children. Now their children are adults, they are both retired, and he wants to see the world and she just wants to watch t.v. Sometimes people just don’t fit anymore, or maybe they never really did, but because bitter angry women like the ones posting here insist on stigmatizing the situation, they feel obligated to stay in an unhappy situation so they don’t have to endure being socially ostracized by judgmental people. You never really know what goes on inside someone else’s marriage, so my advice is to mind your own business and work on keeping your own marriage happy. There are some men who cheat just because they can, but there are others who would never cheat but are lonely and unsatisfied and that makes them a walking affair waiting to happen. Tend to your own relationship and stop trying to judge everyone else.

    • Charles says:

      You sound angry. No matter what the situation was in his marriage, he was still married. If he wasn’t happy he had a choice to leave. Why did it take for him to get involved with you to leave? There is no way to justify adultery. God is not pleased.

      • Jane says:

        I agree 100%.with Charles.
        If the situation was soooo bad then he had the choice to leave. He didn’t.
        Most cheaters aren’t wanting to leave. They don’t want to swap their partner for someone else they want both people. It’s called cake-eating.
        Sometimes an affair partner is the catalyst for leaving the marriage and then they get dumped as soon as the marriage ends.
        Sometimes a cheating spouse is too scared to be alone So they look for an “overlap” relationship to fill any gap before moving on. The problem with that is that if they haven’t acknowledges their own part in the demise of the primary relationship they will take all that baggage with them into the next one.
        Most find out that the “grass isn’t greener etc. and all they end up with is the same book with a different cover.

      • Willow says:

        Havent u ever been in a relationship where u feel you cant live with out the other person because u are afraid you wont be able to survive!? That is the feeling of uncomfortable comfort! When there is abuse people are made to feel trapped and leaving almost never feels like a viable option. When a person lives alone in a marrige the marrige is over before divorce. Bitter hatefilled first wives need to move on a realize their part in the affair. How can you say that affair couples are selfish! U just said it doesn’t matter what the marriage is like or what is going on and that included abuse to the partner! i m certain he died so we would not suffer …right jesus. Anyways, my husband and i have been together for almost 5 years and we just had our one year wedding anniversary and we are 17 years apart his parents love me and his two older boys like me as much as they are aloud to, because of her they suffer. The only reason the percentage is low is because these people are living the happiness they desire with the person they desired. there are 8 billion people on the planet compared to 2billion just 50 years ago dont tell me there isnt a rise in affairs with that kind of population change. Survival is not the same nor is dating or job seeking its too easy to find better or easy but if u are true to yourself than you will never be wrong. Peace

    • Anonymous says:

      Who told you that sad story about his life? He did, the liar and cheater. Maybe you should have attended your own business and stayed out of his marriage. You both are very selfish people to hurt so many for your own personal pleasures. Committing adultery is a ten commandment, no way to justify it and you will reap what you sew.

    • Janice says:

      Any married person with an ounce of integrity will end one relationship before starting another, those who cannot have very little respect for themselves and the new person they’re choosing to bring into their existing life. Just remember if he cheated on her it’s only a matter of time before he cheats on you.

    • Shailove says:

      I pray to God that you wake up and at least feel some sort of conviction for what you two did to hurt another person. Unless she inserted a needle in him to extract semen, then there’s no way she could’ve trapped him with a baby. Marriage is for better or worse, not for better or divorce! Also how could you even marry him after what you two are? Two adulterers who have no value of marriage, standing before God in front of friends and family to make a vow to each other that they literally just didn’t honor.. which is why they are even together. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! (you are funny!) No one is angry or bitter either, we’re just stating facts.

      • Willow says:

        You are kidding right? U have never heard of a women who desires a child!? It is really easy to be careless when getting pregnant and even easier when done on purpose. live a little more and u will see the real world its ugly and full of lies and a lack of loyalty everywhere

    • Mj says:

      Justify it how you will, lady. YOU chose to have an emotional and sexual relationship with a MARRIED man. In no way is that ok. No, not now or ever. He should have divorced her FIRST!! You are both cheaters, liars and worst of all…. you can’t see it. Pathetic!!!!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Good luck with that. What he can do to a wife of many years, he can do to you.

    • Starr Caruthers says:

      Hahaha! You don’t know what his marriage was like either. Honestly, who cares. I’m sure she is happy to be rid of him.

    • Anonymous says:

      You believed everything he fed you. What makes you possibly think he “never loved his wife” OF 37 YEARS? Good Lord

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree, with everything you set! He finally found his soul mate with you!

  12. Karen says:

    Donna, I hope he cheats on you as well. My husband cheated on me with my best friend. Very hurtful. Again, you should not be playing God. All those stories he told you sounds like he could have rewritten history. That is what happens.

    • Willow says:

      So u think the second wife has never met or spoke to the first wife like she has no experience with this person!? Live a lot more u will see how the world really is and it full of drama lololololoolol

  13. Christina Williams says:

    Cheating homewrecking whores are a despicable inhuman species that should be eradicated from this planet! The mutant slimy creatures justify there existence leaching off married men with children…they are soulless and heartless and should be eradicated at all costs!

  14. Anonymous says:

    He clearly fell out of love with you for a reason! You women are so dumb! Keep your men happy! If you’re not someone else will! I’d love to hear his side of this!!!

  15. Lizabeth says:

    My husband left me, after 37 years of marriage, for someone he really connected with on all levels and they married about 7 months after our divorce was final. I was devastated at first – but not as much about losing him as I was about my shape financially. After some intense and needed therapy, I realized I had been in an unhealthy relationship with him from day one. He was more of a father figure to me and I took on the role as a child. He had married me out of obligation and never was in love with me. We had a daughter together and he chose to stick it out for her and just didn’t have the heart to leave. In retrospect, both of us settled. I take responsibility for myself. For my own happiness. I don’t hate, I don’t blame. I get on with this life of MINE. I am the captain of this ship and I have created a far more beautiful life for myself than I ever had with him. Sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons. Sometimes they leave a relationship the wrong way. It’s life. Be bitter? Nah. The best revenge is finding your own happiness. It’s within each of us.

  16. Jen says:

    I know a man that cheated on his wife and got his mistress pregnant. The mistress demanded he leave his wife and two young daughters. Now they are married and he continues to look for relationships outside his current marriage. My observations: he has never respected the mistress for her forcefulness to end his previous marriage and the former mistress/current wife will never trust him for cheating on the first wife. How have these two made it through 20 years of distrust and accusations?!?!

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